Comments are a plague, apparently

So, I have a tracker on my blog. I see what cities show up when people arrive. I can make assumptions regarding who those people are, but I never know for sure. The reason that I never know because NOBODY EVER FREAKING COMMENTS!!! Pretend that the comment section is like a collection cup. For the bathroom attendant. The friendly lady that smiles and shows you to the empty bathroom stall. COmments are like nickels and dimes. Someone...just tip the bathroom attendant!

Now that we've cleared that up. Moving on.

Papaw is sick. I am mostly trying to block it out, since there is nothing I can do. This is hard for me to admit. I am a problem solver. A fixer. Short of finding a vampire for vampire blood healing abilities, I cant solve this one. It scares me. I love him. He is one of my most favorite people in my whole life. Truly. He taught me and was patient, yelled at me when I was obnoxious (that was very, very rarely, might I add), microwaved my bacon for breakfast, showed me baby birds in the nest, brought me robin eggs to look at and learn about, got me a pony, indulged me when I wanted to "drive" at age 8, shared his coffee with me, taught me how to shoot, brought me turtles on Saturday morning. He is our Santa Claus. We waited all year on Santa to call. He sings to me on my birthday. He saves me chicken magazines and sends me information on becoming a veterinarian. He pranks me and mocks me. He is love. I love him. And, as much as I am struggling with him declining, I feel the most upset for my mom. He is her dad. I cant imagine if my dad were ill and I was helpless. I doubly (is that possible?) cannot imagine if my dad were ill and I had in depth medical knowledge about his signs and symptoms. What he was experiencing and what he was likely to experience. Ignorance is bliss. Wonderful, sweet bliss. I feel super helpless because not only can I not solve papaw's problem, I cannot solve it for Mom, either. So, we'll walk along down this path, full of angst, unresolve, fear, and sadness.

We'll try to keep our chins up, because, after all, Papaw is. He is probably holding it together better than all of us :)


We have an appointment on Friday with the Reproductive Endocrinologist for furthur information and options. I am nervous but looking forward to hearing what she has to say. We have ultimately decided that In Vitro is for us. Now, its possible she'll have some amazing super wonderful fantastic idea on Friday, but we're probably heading the in vitro route. We need $20,000 to make that happen. Our plan is to utilize Dave Ramsey workshops and learn a real budget. We waste alot of money a month (unfortunately not $20,000) and hope to be able to reach our goal fairly quickly (8-12 months). I dont feel like following this route is something that we want to BORROW money to complete. If something happens and it fails, we would resent the money owed. I think its best to pay it up front. Im also nervous, because the issue is not with me. Im envisioning 3 cutest little embryos being implanted, and 6 little babies coming out - can they still split after implanting? And, lets be honest, even 3 cutest little babies would scare the bejeezus out of us. (well, me, anyway, John would go into total shut down). Seems only fitting that we have multiple children at once, we ask that of our dogs :) Only difference, we wont sell the babies at 8 weeks! At any rate, my face is breaking out like a teenager. The stress of the last few weeks has been unreal. I feel like im 14 again. Hormonal, zitty, and whiny. I could definitely be 14. Or menopausal, from what I hear. LOL. Hope ya'll are well.

This & That...

Georgia is growing up! I spent the day with baby G & her momma today, learning about farriers. And barn floors. And taking naps with a baby on you when its 95 degrees. Well, actually, Georgia napped, and I attempted. When I got my eyes closed, the horse kicked the stall door and nearly gave me a heart attack. G was a trooper though, she slept through the grinder (mostly..only startled a few times) and didnt let the heat sour her mood. Cutest baby!

John has a recheck analysis tomorrow at 12:50 so please keep us in your prayers for resolution. Our new insurance isn't going to cover much, if anything, so we are looking at $2500 per month for an IUI and about $20,000 for IVF. Cost is daunting and we can't be sure how much we will be able to pursue.

Papaw's CT scan came back with less than ideal results. Turns out, the cancer is growing. It hasnt grown as much or as fast as it was previously, but its growing. I am also learning that he is vomiting several times a week. He jokingly explained it away as salmonella eggs, but I imagine that vomiting when you have cancer on the organ that touches your stomach is probably less than ideal. It is so sad to me, Im mostly blocking it out.

The kids are almost finished with school, so they'll be coming to stay with us for a week or so. I am so very excited! They were so much fun to have around :)

Hope everyone is well!

my handsome boys..

My nerves are in a bundle (get it, bundle of nerves? haha)

So, it occurred to me that we are supposed to start the process again in about 2 weeks! That makes me extremely nervous! I want this to work SO badly. AND it seems that every time I find someone to have some common ground wth regarding the fertility stuff, they find out they are pregnant. Maybe I should post an ad. "I want to be YOUR common ground friend" and then I too will get pregnant. lol. Think that will work? Yeah, probably not. John's theory is that if he buys a mustang I'll get pregnant. Yeah, probably not. He just really wants a mustang. What he doesnt realize is that if he buys a stupid car, he'll spend all his time working on it and then I for SURE wont get pregnant, because its somewhat required for me to be in the same place at the same time for atleast 5 minutes a day lol. He'll rig up some sort of under car contraption for me, no doubt. Great mental image.

I did find donor lists online. Who knew you could shop for donors by hair color, eye color, height, weight and interests. One did stand out to me. Im sure people are clamoring to use the swimmers of the 6' tall man that is interested in cooking, reading, drinking wine, and shopping. Thats every womans dream! Except those types are usually some man's dream as well :) This offers them the opportunity to use rare sperm.

At any rate, I was just foolin around cause John doesnt want to go that route quite yet. Maybe never, but Im sure he wouldnt be that cruel if it came down to it. Plus, Im not sure I could NOT do it, if that was the last opportunity.

On other news, my papaw had his CT scan done last monday, and we're still waiting to hear the results. They were checking to see if hardening of the liver still existed. They will also be able to tell where the cancer is now. He's been using holistic treatment for the cancer, using a salve to draw out tumors. It appears to be working - something comes out. I am so nervous to find out, but cant wait to see what it shows. I am so worried about him. Its hard when one of your favorite people in the whole world is stricken with cancer. Its even harder when that person is strong, healthy, vibrant, funny, and very much alive.

I dont think I actually have anything super positive to tell. Weight watchers is going... I lost 1.8 the first week, then due to my silliness in eating bbq, I gained 0.8 the next. Now, Im skipping weighing in for this week because I want to have a week of the gym under my belt first. (Oh yeah, Im joining the gym tomorrow). Thats about all I have. k. Thanks. Peace out.

Turns out...

I can be nice again :) lol. Im off this Saturday. I was originally intending to go to Ohio for a concert, but Ive decided that instead, Im going to spend the weekend here at home, spending time with my hubby. We're going boating (supposedly) and to a race (supposedly), and to dinner (maybe), and who knows what else. I do plan to assist my parents in their verizon join up. Im so proud :) John and I have had verizon for 10 years, and my parents have had..well..every other phone company. Im very excited that they are finally coming over to the dark side. I think they'll be pleased :)

25 days a month

25 days a month, I can giggle and be happy.
25 days a month, I can laugh and pretend.
25 days a month, I can ignore the fact that I have been unable to concieve.
25 days a month, I enjoy the people around me.
25 days a month, I can be hopeful.
25 days a month, I can say all the right things.
25 days a month, I can focus and be successful.

5 days a month, I am sad.
5 days a month, I am reminded of my failure.
5 days a month, I wish things were different.
5 days a month, I want to go away.
5 days a month, I am a bitch.

I joined weight watchers -

Update: I lost 1.6lbs. Not alot, but its a start, I suppose. John was very supportive.. NOT.. lol. Poor guy.

Im one week in. I spent day #1 of weight watchers eating seafood (really, though, i joined at 5:30, the day was already a waste). So, im curious to see how well i did this week. Ill update when I weigh in (weigh in is at...yep, you guessed it, 5:30...). Til then :)