I want to write about church.

I used to go to church. Religiously (pun intended). Every time the doors were open, we were there. Wednesday, twice on sunday, and atleast 5 days one week out of the year (gospel meetings, ya know). I never resented church. I always quite liked it. I think though, in my adult wisdom, Ive learned that I really enjoyed SOCIALIZING, and never quite grasped CHURCH. I havent been in quite some time now, probably close to over a year, and when I consider going, I realize Im looking forward to seeing this person, or that person, and being able to spend time with them. I realize church is about God, of course, but I also think it IS supposed to offer a support group, people to lean on, people that make you happy. Maybe that IS God. For all I know, it is. I just know, I live life. I live full, happy, life. I do sorta allow myself to be governed by the ruling body known as "the seat of my pants", but I spend my money doing good things for others, I spend my thinking time solving problems for others, and I have a genuine wish to do good THINGS for others. Maybe THAT is God. I cant be sure.

I also sometimes wonder at the relationships I formed with certain members of the church. I love easily, and I am fierce with it. I had 2 friends in the church that I loved fiercly. Now that I havent been a 'stable' member of their church group, I barely even see them. If they, too, loved me, would there really be this division? I havent changed who I am, Im not a bad person, I just no longer 'conform' to their ideals of a churchy gal. The only change is when the doors open, Im absent. We have lived 7 miles apart for nearly 3 years, and they've been to my home ONCE. In that same time period, they've probably called ME...8 times. I call them, semi regularly, for short, clipped conversations, because, well, I miss them. But, I fear that in order to see them more, I have to change who I am, and Im just not thinking thats a love-love relationship. I am saddened by this. Makes me think that the happy glowing visions of the church I once had were a facade, as well. Perhaps made MORE glowing by the relationship I shared with those individuals. I guess what I did take away from church is lead by example, and that example shouts 'SHUN THOSE UNLIKE YOU". Sounds peachy to me. I know they had/have love, Im just not sure if that love encompasses the image they wanted me to present, or ME.

I think the church is judgemental. Maybe not ALL churches, but the one I attended certainly is. I know people who have actually been CHURCHED by this church, for not following God's word. They were told of their unwelcomness back into the flock because of lack of attendance, or living arrangements with their significant others, or the way they tied their shoes (ok, I made that one up)...which is great, but that seems a little trite. Seems more akin to debtors prison. If one is locked away in prison, how will one repay one's debt? Sorta like, if one is discouraged- no, TOLD not to return, how will one ever be in God's favor? How will somebody ever learn the lesson's of God's grace, God's will, and the basic values that the church teaches if they are told not to return? Who are WE to judge someones ethics, character, morals, and path? And a letter telling someone not to return, for WHATEVER reason, smacks of judgement, smacks of piousness, and sounds alot like, well,...God. And since God aint writing no letters, must be a mortal man doing it. A man that is a sinner. A man, himself, who is saved by God's grace. Who learned of that grace by making mistakes, doing things wrong, and learning of the right way. And, furthermore, since God didnt speak to any of them directly, they must be making those calls on their own. Pretty sure the boss aint gonna like that.

Im waiting on MY letter.


I cant be sure what even started this topic in my head tonight, or if this flows and makes sense. All I know, I wanted to share and I did. So there. Its 5:15 in the morning. This might all make no sense whatsoever. Just realize, I havent had sleep yet. Goodnight <3