We're having...puppies!!

Puppies are due dec 8! Confirmed the litter via ultrasound last night. So excited!!

I want to write about church.

I used to go to church. Religiously (pun intended). Every time the doors were open, we were there. Wednesday, twice on sunday, and atleast 5 days one week out of the year (gospel meetings, ya know). I never resented church. I always quite liked it. I think though, in my adult wisdom, Ive learned that I really enjoyed SOCIALIZING, and never quite grasped CHURCH. I havent been in quite some time now, probably close to over a year, and when I consider going, I realize Im looking forward to seeing this person, or that person, and being able to spend time with them. I realize church is about God, of course, but I also think it IS supposed to offer a support group, people to lean on, people that make you happy. Maybe that IS God. For all I know, it is. I just know, I live life. I live full, happy, life. I do sorta allow myself to be governed by the ruling body known as "the seat of my pants", but I spend my money doing good things for others, I spend my thinking time solving problems for others, and I have a genuine wish to do good THINGS for others. Maybe THAT is God. I cant be sure.

I also sometimes wonder at the relationships I formed with certain members of the church. I love easily, and I am fierce with it. I had 2 friends in the church that I loved fiercly. Now that I havent been a 'stable' member of their church group, I barely even see them. If they, too, loved me, would there really be this division? I havent changed who I am, Im not a bad person, I just no longer 'conform' to their ideals of a churchy gal. The only change is when the doors open, Im absent. We have lived 7 miles apart for nearly 3 years, and they've been to my home ONCE. In that same time period, they've probably called ME...8 times. I call them, semi regularly, for short, clipped conversations, because, well, I miss them. But, I fear that in order to see them more, I have to change who I am, and Im just not thinking thats a love-love relationship. I am saddened by this. Makes me think that the happy glowing visions of the church I once had were a facade, as well. Perhaps made MORE glowing by the relationship I shared with those individuals. I guess what I did take away from church is lead by example, and that example shouts 'SHUN THOSE UNLIKE YOU". Sounds peachy to me. I know they had/have love, Im just not sure if that love encompasses the image they wanted me to present, or ME.

I think the church is judgemental. Maybe not ALL churches, but the one I attended certainly is. I know people who have actually been CHURCHED by this church, for not following God's word. They were told of their unwelcomness back into the flock because of lack of attendance, or living arrangements with their significant others, or the way they tied their shoes (ok, I made that one up)...which is great, but that seems a little trite. Seems more akin to debtors prison. If one is locked away in prison, how will one repay one's debt? Sorta like, if one is discouraged- no, TOLD not to return, how will one ever be in God's favor? How will somebody ever learn the lesson's of God's grace, God's will, and the basic values that the church teaches if they are told not to return? Who are WE to judge someones ethics, character, morals, and path? And a letter telling someone not to return, for WHATEVER reason, smacks of judgement, smacks of piousness, and sounds alot like, well,...God. And since God aint writing no letters, must be a mortal man doing it. A man that is a sinner. A man, himself, who is saved by God's grace. Who learned of that grace by making mistakes, doing things wrong, and learning of the right way. And, furthermore, since God didnt speak to any of them directly, they must be making those calls on their own. Pretty sure the boss aint gonna like that.

Im waiting on MY letter.


I cant be sure what even started this topic in my head tonight, or if this flows and makes sense. All I know, I wanted to share and I did. So there. Its 5:15 in the morning. This might all make no sense whatsoever. Just realize, I havent had sleep yet. Goodnight <3

Early morning sightings..

So, Monday morning when I was headed home from work (around 6:40am), after working all freaking night, I was exhausted. And slightly retarded. I turned onto my road, and saw a pair of dogs sitting there, off to the side. These dogs are constantly around, and ive grown as attached as a passerby can be to the cute little creatures (its a condition I suffer from - I care about all dogs, regardless if they are mine)
Anyway, as I drive by, it looks like one dog has been hit by a car and killed, and the other is hosting vigil by his side. I was saddened by this, so I planned to confirm it, then tell the owners. I turned around, started driving back by, but as I got close, a car came up behind me, and I had to continue on. All I confirmed was that the white dog was sitting beside his dead brown friend. I did another U-turn and came back. When I approached, all was clear behind me, so I rolled my window down (its still dark, mind you), and slowed to a halt in front of this sad dog and his dead friend. Tears are filling my eyes, at this point, just thinking how sad mr white dog must be that his brown dog friend has been killed. Once my eyes focus, I realize that Mr White dog is in fact sitting there...but hes EATING a dead DEER, not mourning the loss of brown dog friend. I was so disgusted I yelled at him, and sped off.

I ordered another bottle of hcg.  It kills me but its effective.  This time, I have to make it work!   So, as soon as it gets here, I'm back on the hell diet.  Lol.  And ill be vlogging again.  It keeps me honest.  I guess.

Road trip

I road tripped to Indiana. The first time we went, last week, was great. John went with and it was a lovely trip. This time, not so much. Im sleepy. Im probably stinky and I need a nap.

We have a recheck appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist next month. Im excited to see what that shows us :) John has been supposedly taking his medication so it should be wonderful! Good times! Our next IUI is in December

Comments are a plague, apparently

So, I have a tracker on my blog. I see what cities show up when people arrive. I can make assumptions regarding who those people are, but I never know for sure. The reason that I never know because NOBODY EVER FREAKING COMMENTS!!! Pretend that the comment section is like a collection cup. For the bathroom attendant. The friendly lady that smiles and shows you to the empty bathroom stall. COmments are like nickels and dimes. Someone...just tip the bathroom attendant!

Now that we've cleared that up. Moving on.

Papaw is sick. I am mostly trying to block it out, since there is nothing I can do. This is hard for me to admit. I am a problem solver. A fixer. Short of finding a vampire for vampire blood healing abilities, I cant solve this one. It scares me. I love him. He is one of my most favorite people in my whole life. Truly. He taught me and was patient, yelled at me when I was obnoxious (that was very, very rarely, might I add), microwaved my bacon for breakfast, showed me baby birds in the nest, brought me robin eggs to look at and learn about, got me a pony, indulged me when I wanted to "drive" at age 8, shared his coffee with me, taught me how to shoot, brought me turtles on Saturday morning. He is our Santa Claus. We waited all year on Santa to call. He sings to me on my birthday. He saves me chicken magazines and sends me information on becoming a veterinarian. He pranks me and mocks me. He is love. I love him. And, as much as I am struggling with him declining, I feel the most upset for my mom. He is her dad. I cant imagine if my dad were ill and I was helpless. I doubly (is that possible?) cannot imagine if my dad were ill and I had in depth medical knowledge about his signs and symptoms. What he was experiencing and what he was likely to experience. Ignorance is bliss. Wonderful, sweet bliss. I feel super helpless because not only can I not solve papaw's problem, I cannot solve it for Mom, either. So, we'll walk along down this path, full of angst, unresolve, fear, and sadness.

We'll try to keep our chins up, because, after all, Papaw is. He is probably holding it together better than all of us :)


We have an appointment on Friday with the Reproductive Endocrinologist for furthur information and options. I am nervous but looking forward to hearing what she has to say. We have ultimately decided that In Vitro is for us. Now, its possible she'll have some amazing super wonderful fantastic idea on Friday, but we're probably heading the in vitro route. We need $20,000 to make that happen. Our plan is to utilize Dave Ramsey workshops and learn a real budget. We waste alot of money a month (unfortunately not $20,000) and hope to be able to reach our goal fairly quickly (8-12 months). I dont feel like following this route is something that we want to BORROW money to complete. If something happens and it fails, we would resent the money owed. I think its best to pay it up front. Im also nervous, because the issue is not with me. Im envisioning 3 cutest little embryos being implanted, and 6 little babies coming out - can they still split after implanting? And, lets be honest, even 3 cutest little babies would scare the bejeezus out of us. (well, me, anyway, John would go into total shut down). Seems only fitting that we have multiple children at once, we ask that of our dogs :) Only difference, we wont sell the babies at 8 weeks! At any rate, my face is breaking out like a teenager. The stress of the last few weeks has been unreal. I feel like im 14 again. Hormonal, zitty, and whiny. I could definitely be 14. Or menopausal, from what I hear. LOL. Hope ya'll are well.

This & That...

Georgia is growing up! I spent the day with baby G & her momma today, learning about farriers. And barn floors. And taking naps with a baby on you when its 95 degrees. Well, actually, Georgia napped, and I attempted. When I got my eyes closed, the horse kicked the stall door and nearly gave me a heart attack. G was a trooper though, she slept through the grinder (mostly..only startled a few times) and didnt let the heat sour her mood. Cutest baby!

John has a recheck analysis tomorrow at 12:50 so please keep us in your prayers for resolution. Our new insurance isn't going to cover much, if anything, so we are looking at $2500 per month for an IUI and about $20,000 for IVF. Cost is daunting and we can't be sure how much we will be able to pursue.

Papaw's CT scan came back with less than ideal results. Turns out, the cancer is growing. It hasnt grown as much or as fast as it was previously, but its growing. I am also learning that he is vomiting several times a week. He jokingly explained it away as salmonella eggs, but I imagine that vomiting when you have cancer on the organ that touches your stomach is probably less than ideal. It is so sad to me, Im mostly blocking it out.

The kids are almost finished with school, so they'll be coming to stay with us for a week or so. I am so very excited! They were so much fun to have around :)

Hope everyone is well!