Comments are a plague, apparently

So, I have a tracker on my blog. I see what cities show up when people arrive. I can make assumptions regarding who those people are, but I never know for sure. The reason that I never know because NOBODY EVER FREAKING COMMENTS!!! Pretend that the comment section is like a collection cup. For the bathroom attendant. The friendly lady that smiles and shows you to the empty bathroom stall. COmments are like nickels and dimes. Someone...just tip the bathroom attendant!

Now that we've cleared that up. Moving on.

Papaw is sick. I am mostly trying to block it out, since there is nothing I can do. This is hard for me to admit. I am a problem solver. A fixer. Short of finding a vampire for vampire blood healing abilities, I cant solve this one. It scares me. I love him. He is one of my most favorite people in my whole life. Truly. He taught me and was patient, yelled at me when I was obnoxious (that was very, very rarely, might I add), microwaved my bacon for breakfast, showed me baby birds in the nest, brought me robin eggs to look at and learn about, got me a pony, indulged me when I wanted to "drive" at age 8, shared his coffee with me, taught me how to shoot, brought me turtles on Saturday morning. He is our Santa Claus. We waited all year on Santa to call. He sings to me on my birthday. He saves me chicken magazines and sends me information on becoming a veterinarian. He pranks me and mocks me. He is love. I love him. And, as much as I am struggling with him declining, I feel the most upset for my mom. He is her dad. I cant imagine if my dad were ill and I was helpless. I doubly (is that possible?) cannot imagine if my dad were ill and I had in depth medical knowledge about his signs and symptoms. What he was experiencing and what he was likely to experience. Ignorance is bliss. Wonderful, sweet bliss. I feel super helpless because not only can I not solve papaw's problem, I cannot solve it for Mom, either. So, we'll walk along down this path, full of angst, unresolve, fear, and sadness.

We'll try to keep our chins up, because, after all, Papaw is. He is probably holding it together better than all of us :)


We have an appointment on Friday with the Reproductive Endocrinologist for furthur information and options. I am nervous but looking forward to hearing what she has to say. We have ultimately decided that In Vitro is for us. Now, its possible she'll have some amazing super wonderful fantastic idea on Friday, but we're probably heading the in vitro route. We need $20,000 to make that happen. Our plan is to utilize Dave Ramsey workshops and learn a real budget. We waste alot of money a month (unfortunately not $20,000) and hope to be able to reach our goal fairly quickly (8-12 months). I dont feel like following this route is something that we want to BORROW money to complete. If something happens and it fails, we would resent the money owed. I think its best to pay it up front. Im also nervous, because the issue is not with me. Im envisioning 3 cutest little embryos being implanted, and 6 little babies coming out - can they still split after implanting? And, lets be honest, even 3 cutest little babies would scare the bejeezus out of us. (well, me, anyway, John would go into total shut down). Seems only fitting that we have multiple children at once, we ask that of our dogs :) Only difference, we wont sell the babies at 8 weeks! At any rate, my face is breaking out like a teenager. The stress of the last few weeks has been unreal. I feel like im 14 again. Hormonal, zitty, and whiny. I could definitely be 14. Or menopausal, from what I hear. LOL. Hope ya'll are well.

This & That...

Georgia is growing up! I spent the day with baby G & her momma today, learning about farriers. And barn floors. And taking naps with a baby on you when its 95 degrees. Well, actually, Georgia napped, and I attempted. When I got my eyes closed, the horse kicked the stall door and nearly gave me a heart attack. G was a trooper though, she slept through the grinder (mostly..only startled a few times) and didnt let the heat sour her mood. Cutest baby!

John has a recheck analysis tomorrow at 12:50 so please keep us in your prayers for resolution. Our new insurance isn't going to cover much, if anything, so we are looking at $2500 per month for an IUI and about $20,000 for IVF. Cost is daunting and we can't be sure how much we will be able to pursue.

Papaw's CT scan came back with less than ideal results. Turns out, the cancer is growing. It hasnt grown as much or as fast as it was previously, but its growing. I am also learning that he is vomiting several times a week. He jokingly explained it away as salmonella eggs, but I imagine that vomiting when you have cancer on the organ that touches your stomach is probably less than ideal. It is so sad to me, Im mostly blocking it out.

The kids are almost finished with school, so they'll be coming to stay with us for a week or so. I am so very excited! They were so much fun to have around :)

Hope everyone is well!