About 10 oclock, I got the bright idea to have some coffee. 4 cups. 8 packs of splenda, 1 tsp of sugar free creamer. Not decaf. Sleep? Cant sleep. Go figure. Ive already tried rousing husband for conversation. No go. (All I got was a busted lip when he got startled and jerked his fist up.)
Ive designed the chicken coop and fence 3 times. Ive planned our asheville trip to see Randy Houser 3 times. Ive swept the entire house. Once. Checked on the chicks a couple of times. Filled the fish tank. Imagined what Baby Sherman(s) will look like...9 times. (lol, not really 9 times)
Now , imrambling blogging. (As if you didnt know). Apparently, this is the hour when I am most functional. I feel great. My ever permeating headache is gone (Thx coffee, no Thx Ibuprofen!) Ive had 2 liters of water today, and coffee did the trick! The scales are almost giving me positive numbers (here, positive really means negative) since my 10lb gain during loading. That was extremely painful, mind you.
I am finding myself worrying - no, stroking out, over the foster care situation. Will we be accepted? Will the child get to stay with us? Will we even GET a child? Should we go through with it? Are WE stable enough in our relationship to HAVE that responsibility? Are we mature enough? Grown enough? Financially secure enough? Is it easy to fall in love with a baby that isnt your flesh & blood? If its easy for me, will John feel the same way? Im scared. I admit. Im scared to fail some child ive never seen. Im scared to fail my SELF. Im scared WE will fail. I look at people around me having babies, and although I want that, I also know that I want to do THIS. Ive wanted it forever. Adoption has always been something I felt strongly about. I just never realized how scary it was until it was a reality. I always looked at the parameters, and said Ha! You have to be 25...Thats a ways from now...except, it IS now. Wow. Its now. Thats huge! In 6 months, John and I could be foster parents. A baby. A toddler. Maybe siblings. Huge. And now.
Id say wake up, except Im wide awake. Man, its a scary world.
Ive designed the chicken coop and fence 3 times. Ive planned our asheville trip to see Randy Houser 3 times. Ive swept the entire house. Once. Checked on the chicks a couple of times. Filled the fish tank. Imagined what Baby Sherman(s) will look like...9 times. (lol, not really 9 times)
Now , im
I am finding myself worrying - no, stroking out, over the foster care situation. Will we be accepted? Will the child get to stay with us? Will we even GET a child? Should we go through with it? Are WE stable enough in our relationship to HAVE that responsibility? Are we mature enough? Grown enough? Financially secure enough? Is it easy to fall in love with a baby that isnt your flesh & blood? If its easy for me, will John feel the same way? Im scared. I admit. Im scared to fail some child ive never seen. Im scared to fail my SELF. Im scared WE will fail. I look at people around me having babies, and although I want that, I also know that I want to do THIS. Ive wanted it forever. Adoption has always been something I felt strongly about. I just never realized how scary it was until it was a reality. I always looked at the parameters, and said Ha! You have to be 25...Thats a ways from now...except, it IS now. Wow. Its now. Thats huge! In 6 months, John and I could be foster parents. A baby. A toddler. Maybe siblings. Huge. And now.
Id say wake up, except Im wide awake. Man, its a scary world.
You'll do fine. All parents worry about those things. You'll never have "enough" money. As my husband says, "you kids suck us dry". And they do. You'll be just like the rest of us who buy things for your kids before you buy for yourself. It just happens. Your relationship will proabably take a back burner and that's where they say marriage is work. It's work now because you have to make time. That's about all I can tell about that. We just do more at home things now. But try and get a babysitter whenever we can. Grown enough??? You just keep growing...just keep the same goals. You will instantly fall in love with your new baby or toddler. It just happens. I think (granted we aren't foster parents so I really don't know) but I think it would be like me falling in love with my niece(s) for the first time. She wasn't mine but it was close and I adore her. When they love you back or smile or do all the wonderful things kids do you'll melt and fall in love with them. I think I fail all the time and then my husband picks me up and reminds me that I don't fail we just keep going and yes we make mistakes but we don't fail.
ReplyDeleteThis is a long comment...sorry. I just hope that I am of some assurance to you that you'll be great! Both of you! I already know you have a sense of humor and that will go a long way!
I also get how you would feel this way...I sometimes feel the same way with having our third join our house in a couple of days....but I remember we've been through this and the kids will be okay, I'll be okay and we'll be okay.
Wow! This is a long comment and I haven't even had my coffee yet! I better go and start that up so I can get to the laundry, picking up toys so I CAN vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms so when my family comes next week they won't think we live in a pig sty. Because of course, we never do!